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Sadly, I am writing this post from experience. Yes, dear reader, just to provide this article I took the risk and allowed Easy Jet to look after my bag for approximately ninety minutes. I guess in some ways the risk paid off as I now get to write this article although I’d have preferred them to have not destroyed my bag.
On 24th August, my family and I flew to Northern Ireland for a quick trip before the new school year. We opted not to put any luggage in the hold, resenting having to pay for it. As we queued to get on the plane, a request went out asking if anyone was willing to put their luggage in the hold as the plane was full. We were in good moods so decided to be helpful and offer up our two bags. So, in the time it takes for the plane to fly from London to Belfast, Easy Jet had our bags.In this time one had the handle ripped off and my ‘fun’ began.
Here is my entirely serious twenty step guide to how to persuade Easy Jet to replace a bag it broke.
Step 1: Find the relevant desk to start the process of filing for a replacement bag.
Step 2: Hang around for 30 minutes because no one is working the desk.
Step 3: Ask every member of staff you see if anyone works on the desk. Phone the two numbers given in case no one is working.
Step 4: Breathe a sigh of relief when a really kind man comes to talk to you.
Step 5: Fill in all the forms explaining what happened and what sort of bag you require as the replacement.
Step 6: Think to yourself, ‘gosh, this isn’t so difficult, Easy Jet are really an ok company after all.
Step 7: Laugh at your own naivety when the kind man then explains you’re going to have to go online (damagedluggage.com) and repeat all the same information, in order to start the complaint process because everything you’re doing with him is just for funsies. You must do this within seven days or Easy Jet won’t be in a position to ignore you for long enough to satisfy their quota of treating people badly. The Easy Jet representative also has to complete some extra paperwork, because nothing can be ignored properly until it’s in triplicate.
Step 8: Arrive at your holiday destination and immediately forgo having fun with your family in order to fill in the third version of the damage report because you are worried if you don’t do it immediately you’ll lose some of the myriad numbers you need to provide.
Step 9: Try to reach the website on your phone, the ipad, your partner’s phone and any other electronic item you have with you. End up having stabby hands because nothing fucking works.
Step 10: Write yourself a reminder to deal with this asap at home.
Step 11: Engage in twitter war with Easy Jet representatives who insist they can’t get anyone to phone you to try and sort this problem out but you’re more than welcome to call the ‘hotline to misery’ to see if anyone cares at all.
Step 12: Find the CEO’s email address (firstname.lastname@example.org) and fire off a really angry email.
Step 13: Receive call from very kind woman in CEO’s office who eventually explains that damagedluggage.com can’t be reached through a chrome browser. You need to return to 1999 to use internet explorer or something else equally useless. It ‘ain’t fun if it’s easy, right?
Step 14: Beat own head on kitchen door in exasperation. Feel a tiny bit of relief that someone human actually works for Easy Jet. Like a fool, believe the promise that this will all be sorted quickly.
Step 15: Next day get an actual email from an actual person requesting more information because triplicate isn’t enough. Reply immediately with the details required. Realise you have send information in to an abyss because you end up emailing ten days later to ask why they requested information if nothing was going to be done.
Step 16: In pique of annoyance, email CEO again informing her that you’re travelling in a week and you expect a bag to have arrived by then.
Step 17: Within a few days get an offer of a replacement bag but no promise of when it can be delivered because you’re difficult enough to require a replacement bag to actually be similar to the one they broke.
Step 18: Be all zen and shit. Wait a few weeks before breaking your zen and sending yet another email to the CEO, possibly telling her you would be ashamed if your company treated people as badly as hers did.
Step 19: Get another call from nice woman who pretty much does nothing but say sorry until you demand compensation. Wearily agree to a £50 voucher despite knowing you will never ever fly with Easy Jet again. It’s the principle, damn it.
Step 20: Two whole months after the bag was broken, receive a new one. Breathe a sigh of relief and then cackle to yourself because Easy Jet don’t realise you have a wildly (?) successful travel blog.
(I did think about using Microsoft Project to write this up but decided that was taking it too far.)